I'm a yes person. I have been for a while. I like to please people and always felt that if I didn't go out of my way to ALWAYS say yes, people would be upset with me or think of me as lazy or something. Even with dreams. Careers. This year I've honestly spent more time helping others write their story, then spending time writing my own. I've worked hard to help others reach their goals and left mine to disappear in the dust. I've spread myself so thin in so many different directions and areas of life, I've completely lost myself.
I let other people decide what I should do with my days and stopped focusing on the one thing that's all mine. Blogging, and writing, being a dance teacher, helping to run a business, working a normal day time job, subbing, cleaning houses, photography, trying to keep my house perfectly staged, wear the right clothes in public, put on an image so people see me as a girl "who has it all together", singing, speaking. I thought I could say yes to all of these things, all at once, all the time. Be this perfect person people wanted to see on Instagram and Facebook. But I've found out that in doing that, I lost focus on what my purpose is. What God's purpose is for me. I got so caught up in making everyone happy, I stopped making myself happy and caring about what I need and what I want. So much so I decided on April 18th, 2018 I wanted to end my life.
The thoughts raced through my head like a bullet. They told me lies like you moved back here again for no reason, you have no purpose, you are not worthy of being happy. They told me to give up, its not worth it. They told me I'm not good enough. April 18th, 2018, 11:00 am, I left work early. I was shaking as I walked to my car. My stomach hurt because my brain was racing about all the things I couldn't live up to. All the pressure of what people want me to be and do and accomplish.
I speak about suicide prevention and the thought raced through my head of ("you are so worthless, you speak about this how can you even feel this way.") I drove away, bawling. 11:05 I call my sister, and she picks up. Even though she's in class, she picks up randomly knowing something was wrong. 11:30 My sister talks me through everything. 11:45 I make a promise to my sister that I could never break. I would never leave her or give up. 12:00 pm "I love you, see you soon."
12:02 the moment I said a prayer that changed everything. "Lord guide me to focus on one thing. To put my entire soul into the passion that you want me to create, and become the person you want me to be. Let me have the strength to say no to the things I know I don't have time for or that will distract me from your goal for me. Give me motivation to push hard to strive for my goals and say YES to myself and the things that you want for me."
2018 the year I say yes to MYSELF. The year I no longer focus on others dreams but focus on my own. The year that I own myself and never allow anyone else to try write my story for me. The year I believe in myself. The year I rise up from the ground, stronger than I've ever rose before. The year I feel confident in my own skin, my body, my goals, my dreams, my life. You see depression, lows, they come in all different times of life, all different ages. You can go forever feeling like you love your life and everything is great and the next year its not so great. And that's just life. That's just learning. It doesn't mean that your worthless or that you are any less than the person you once were or the person you want to become.
In fact it shapes you into the strong, fearless, courageous person you are. I've learned so much this year about myself, who I want to be. I've learned that it's ok, to not be ok. You shouldn't be ashamed to feel low some days. I've learned you can't place a piece of yourself all over because you'll end up losing yourself. I've learned a good friend is someone who understands when your feeling low and takes the time to talk with you about it no matter how awkward it might seem. I've learned that giving up is not an option. I've learned to open my heart and to accept that I can't do it all. I've learned that my story is on a different timeline than others. I've learned that I should be proud of the things I've accomplished by 21. I've learned to never allow anyone to tell you who to be.
And living is a journey I'd like to stick around for.
If you feel like not being here, find someone who listens <3 We want you here. YOU are Worthy of a beautiful life.
Suicide Hotline Call 1-800-273-8255