This month has been a whirlwind for me and during this season of lessons, grieving and heartache, I started to think to myself, why am I not good enough? Why am I not the person I want to be? Why am I not skinnier or prettier or have more to offer to this world and the people around me? Why do I feel so empty and worthless? How can all these things be happening to me? WHY GOD> WHY ME>WHY NOW. And while I was ready to scream at the top of my lungs to the sky and say F*** you to God, instead, something happened within me that changed everything.
As I walked down a long back road with all intentions to try run my feelings off, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I stopped dead in my tracks and stood there sobbing. Instantly I felt something that could never be explained, but I knew at that moment God had ripped my heart wide open. I had finally given up. Given up the fight of trying to do this my way. At that moment I gave up my dreams, my heart, my life completely to Him. Right then and there I learned the most valuable lesson I've ever learned in my entire life.
You see even when we let God down and hurt him and break his heart, even when we don't trust him and stray away, get angry and scream and yell at him, he never stops loving us. He never stops carrying us and holding us as we stumble. He never stops forgiving us. And while I have always believed in God I hadn't loved others as He loves us. I hadn't been praying to have Him change me and make me better through these seasons, but instead begged Him to take the pain away. It's so easy to get angry and give up when it seems like there is no light on the other side of things. It's easy to run and try hide from everything thats actually going on, but as I've found in every situation there's a reason for this. There's a reason that you are being tested and challenged.
This month I have been on my knees bawling, crying out to God begging him to change my circumstances when really I should have been asking him to change me and change my heart in these circumstances. I was praying for things I wanted but never once asked God what He wanted of me. Finally, as I cried out to God asking him to change my heart, make me forgive, make me patient, give me strength and peace, and courage, change me; my heart opened to so many new things. Because in that moment I finally had given my entire heart to God with all my trust and all my doubts.
I've never felt anything more powerful. Your worth in God, is more than any worth you'll ever receive from others. The reason your feeling empty isn't because your not living the life you want or living up to your own standards. It's because using people, careers and objects to try fill this hole will never fill it besides HIM. I was allowing others to tell me if I was good enough, when this whole time He has showed me how enough I am. And darling, you are enough as well.
2 Chronicles 20:15
"The battle is not ours, but God's."
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