Hey there! My goodness so much has changed since the last time I've written. I kept wanting to start things but had so much to say, that I didn't know where to begin! So I guess I'll just start here and try my best to keep it as short as possible knowing there's more to come. Last summer God promised me freedom from things that held me captive for the last 5 years, for the last decade really. At the time I didn't know exactly what that looked like but over and over, he kept repeating that he keeps his promises and to walk in the freedom he would give. As I walked the journey this full year, I questioned him in many moments of despair and heartache. I grieved, I got angry, I screamed at him to let him know I wasn't walking forward any longer. At times I didn't believe what he spoke to me.
I've walked in the depths of my darkest trauma in these last 5 years. I've fell apart, been stripped down, refined, rebuilt. I've been raw, I've been hardhearted, I've made mistakes, I've been misunderstood, I've been held captive and silenced. I've faced hard things, I've walked away, I've had to restart from nothing. This summer I got to be a full-time, stay at home, homeschooling, foster parent and homemaker while also being a full-time business owner of multiple different businesses. I've learned more than I've ever learned this year about myself, about who other people are, about who Jesus is. Here's just a few I thought I'd share as I continue to walk out my Egypt.
Being a foster parent brings you more joy than your heart ever thought it could handle. It also brings more sadness and exhaustion than you ever thought your heart could handle. You count the littlest moments as wins and sometimes you cry into your pillow praying you can make it through the next. Hard truth; It's not like being a parent to your own biological child. You put on the backpack of the past and try your best to take some of the load off their backs. You love them like they are your own and would give anything to protect them just like they are blood, while also bandaging many wounds from the past that sometimes you can't give answers for. It breaks your heart in two when you can't fix the wound that opened from the past that day and realizing sometimes nothing you do can comfort or heal what's been experienced is even harder when you love like they are and always have been yours. You see the depths of their pain but you also see the valleys of their wins. I've come to realize, it's a journey that one could not understand unless they've walked in it. It's every feeling in the book tied up into a big ball waiting for the next moment to roll out.
People have a lot of opinions on things they know nothing about. Pray, seek God, feel confidence in walking the journey or the answer even when those around you don't stand with you or understand. We weren't called to please the world and its people. This may be the most freeing lesson out of my freedom journey. It's one I have to practice daily, but man it feels good when I conquer it. I'm speaking this for motherhood (whether it be biological or nonbiological), your calling, your future, your relationships.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I truly don't know how I've juggled the plate in front of me and reflecting on all of it, makes me realize that I can do hard things with God's strength and good prioritizing skills. I've also realized I can make excuses, or I can get up and do. If God wants you to walk in it, He'll give you the tools to do it, or he'll redirect you, close a chapter, lessen the load or ask you to be brave and cut out things that no longer fit your season.
Even if you explain every detail, sometimes people don't want to understand. They aren't your people. Don't walk, RUN into the assurance that God understands and will send people your way that understand your heart.
Sometimes God asks you to walk alone. Even when no one claps for you, or sees you, or celebrates with you. Even when others think you're insane. It stings for a bit, until you see what God had in store for you.
Some seasons of life don't allow you to have much stillness. Find stillness in the 5 minute drive to the grocery store, the 5 second deep breath of fresh air before the next thing begins, the hug of a loved one. Sit in those moments even if they are short and scarce.
Perspective. The month of June everything felt hard, nothing felt right, it felt easier to throw in the towel for it all. Maybe you've been there? I let myself feel it all, no holding back, no hiding from it, no fake answers of how things were. It was hard for me, it was hard for the people around me but it also allowed me to process, rethink and rebuild what it would look like to walk forward in this season.
You can make an excuse for literally everything. No matter what the season in front of you looks like, you get the choice to step forward or stay stuck.
What God has for others isn't for you; and what God has for you isn't for others.
Life is hard. Jesus didn't hide from that truth, rather he walked through it. Sometimes with tears sliding down his cheek, and sometimes with blazing fires leading the way. He doesn't expect you to know all the answers or to have it all together. Every day is a new chance to learn, grow, transform. He is pleased with all the work you do and have done that no one sees.
God is different than religion tells us he is. He's not confined to a box like the world wants him to be. My deepest prayer is that you meet the real him, not the him others have created him to be.
With love, Saphire